The Crisis Of Losing Your Confidence

The best I will ever look in my life. Probably.

This is a photo of me and I look fucking hot in it. I paid a lot of money for professionals to do my hair and make up and take my photo (and be airbrushed) so I expect this photo to look good.

In reality, barring the cramped, slightly shabby studio and my left arm not being emotionally ready to hold up my upper body, I was going through my own personal crisis. This day was about 9 months after going through an incredibly painful break-up in very upsetting circumstances which made me fundamentally question my attractiveness as a human being ("You're no longer with me for...her?"). I had also started a new job 4 months prior in a promoted role which put me on a learning curve that I was really struggling to catch up with. While I was fundamentally happier for leaving the town the ex lived in and relocating so I was with my family and friends again, my confidence was at an all time low. Currently I'm also going through a crisis in confidence, hence me talking about it now. 

I am generally a very confident person and I hold a pretty high opinion of myself (I've got Gala Darling's radical self love to thank for that) in terms of how I look but also how I live my life. However there are times in my life when this feeling of confidence literally disappears.

Someone who lacks confidence has little self belief that they can do something, despite all the logic in the world that shows that there is evidence to the contrary and that these feelings are clearly unfounded concerns usually generated in your mind. I also find it fascinating that the turn of phrase is "crisis in confidence"; it truly is an intensely troubling emotion. 

When something very little - or nothing - can trigger a bout of low confidence, it can seem impossible to get out of. The feeling of confidence is knocked aside for a new host of emotions. The biggest emotion I'm dealing with is fear. 

I'm currently fearful of a lot. I'm not an adrenaline junkie by society standards but I have done sky diving, bungee jumping and abseiling so I'm not a stranger to some sort of danger. Yet having recently come back from skiing for the first time, I knew my experience of skiing was marred by my current feeling of fear. Despite having fallen over about 20 times and my brain knowing that it wasn't all that bad and I'm alive. Despite me learning quite a lot in a pretty short period of time. I was just so scared and it crippled me emotionally more times on the slopes than I anticipated. 

As well as the trying-to-stay-alive fears, it's also spilling into work with me being scared of what I'm working on believing I'm not good enough to be there. Despite seeing output of work being done. Despite my boss frog-marching me into his office "do I need to remind you that you got an exceeds expectations on your review and I could not have given you more amazing feedback from me and your colleagues?". Aka what the hell are you on about.

The common mistake that people with no confidence make is looking for praise from others in the hope that will make them feel better and it was totally the case with me. The problem is that you're in such a state of misery that nothing anyone tells you will penetrate. In response to a message along the lines of "I don't feel like I'm doing anything right" or "WTF is my life about, what have I even done", family and friends (god love them) will waste no time being the best and reminding you of all the incredible achievements you've accomplished. So I'm learning that I shouldn't seek compliments not only because I'm not ready for them but also I don't deserve them. Do something or show something NOW that warrants praise and you will feel a thousand times better. Even if it's wearing that power dress to work that makes you look absolutely banging. Don't expect your friends to delve into the archives of your achievements. 

I found that to counteract the feeling of being overwhelmed, being organised helps. When you feel like you have no control over your life, anything disordered will exacerbate this feeling of chaos and helplessness. So even if this is as simple as booking the doctor's appointment you've been meaning to sort out or buying toiletries, this will give you more sense of control and not feel like "everything is going wrong".

I've also found that doing something I'm good at - something I know that I'm slightly better than the average - will help your brain feel better about yourself. I think I'm naturally good at writing, or at the very least writing my thoughts so just by writing this post makes me feel a lot better. Binge watching on Netflix or eating your emotions doesn't really do anything except extend the feeling of numbness and delay any recovery. I'd rather you went for retail therapy - at least you'll look good at the end of it.

I appreciate that by airing my current predicament may elicit concerned messages from family and friends and I suppose it would appear I'm doing this to get complimentary attention which I can honestly and emphatically say I am not because I'm confident (yes, I used that word) that I will bounce back soon. Instead...I urge anyone reading this to share if they are feeling the same way. 

What do you think about my approach dealing with low confidence?