The thing about stress


Recently I've been suffering from stress. The cause of my stress is irrelevant for this post (and personal) but it's been such an interesting - yeah I said interesting - time that I thought it's worth putting this down before it finally blows over. I've been in the eye of it, then out of it, then it in again. The thing is there's no knowing what each day looks like so best to take note while I can.  


I've been stressed before, the kind like "gaaaaard I'm so busy with work, I think about things a lot in bed, there's so many things I need to sort out" and I've been prone to the odd breakdown into tears. But this time it has been next level

The below has happened / happening

Physical 
  1. Insomnia 
  2. Racing heart 
  3. Stomach pains  
Cognitive
  1. Anxiety / nervousness
  2. Depression / low energy
  3. Forgetfulness / struggle to focus 

Emotional 
  1. Crying
  2. Irritation

I have some thoughts to explain what's going on in my mind about this which might be helpful for those who are seeing their nearest and dearest suffering.

I don't actually want to talk about it 
Talking uses brain time and energy. I had neither of those. Talking about how I feel doesn't help me, other than it's my get out of jail card for being a douche (see point 3). 

...but sometimes I do want to talk and ranting may feature    
When I decide I want to talk about it, it's not really that I particularly want to inform the recipients but it's more that it gives me a sense of feeling like I'm managing the situation and that I'm in control. Control is very important in times of stress because when you suffer it is a genuinely uncontrollable situation.

I also talk when I want something (see final point). Stress brings out the selfish in you.

I do rant but I've been selective about who I'm ranting to. When I have felt a need to rant, what I did do (many times at 3am) was type my rant in my phone as text and shaping it (because a rant never makes sense the first time) and then I read it. Sometimes it helps me fall back asleep. Sometimes it's just something to fill the time while I'm still wide awake for 3 hours in the night.   

Being by myself is not a bad thing for everyone involved
The emotional symptoms have been the hardest thing I've found in this whole time. It does not take a lot to tip me over the edge. I am fucking crying all the time and recently I shouted at someone, like properly shouted that I could barely get the words out coherently because I was so enraged. I don't feel like a nice person to be around especially for those close to me. I have cancelled on friends and I have delayed seeing friends. Which is good for their eardrums but also it's good for me because doing too much these days overwhelm me. Also if I'm worrying about being a bad friend, sister etc then it's just one more thing I have to think about. See point 1. No brain time and energy for that.   

Recognising that people don't know how to deal with me
I do not want to diminish the time people took the time to talk to me to check I was OK. I actually think about these people a lot and how I really appreciate their kindness to me.

What I found...abrasive were comments relating to how people think I should feel. "See the positives" type of comments and other similar lines which I don't want to detail as it'll explain my situation too much.

Thank you. But I know all this.

I don't enjoy sitting around wallowing, I love being happy. Therefore all the things people have told me are the first things I have already told myself when trying to get me back in the zone so I found it quite (and please bear in mind I have been hyper-sensitive) condescending which in turns fuels my irritation. People see the irritation. Don't know how to respond. Vicious cycle. 

But I also get irritated when people are ignoring the fact I'm quite stressed (this applies more for work than personal). Another stupid vicious cycle.

Mental health can't be seen (that old adage)
Some days are great and I laugh and joke and I am fine. Some bad days are manageable enough that you can pretend to be OK and laugh and joke and be seemingly fine. Some bad days are so bad you cannot do anything about it. Those sorts of days I cannot be bothered to exist let alone have any energy to go shower or get in a car and drive over an hour to work. But I still don't want to talk about it and I don't want to see anyone. That vicious cycle rears its head again. 

My kind of help is action-orientated
Those who really helped my stress were people who helped me not think because I found it too stressful to do so. I was like Carrie in the honeymoon suite in Mexico whilst my friends and family tried to feed me metaphorical breakfast and sunlight. These guys went into action mode. They looked up information for me, they answered my questions and they gave clear, simple instructions my weeny brain could deal with. I need this. 


I hope those around me know it's not about them, it's just me being a really selfish crying bear at the moment. Hopefully not for long otherwise I can see myself getting cut off from people. Oh god. New thing to stress about.

Have you suffered from stress? What have you found helped you?

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