The Alternative Guide to Mental Resilience


My mental health has come under attack recently and I should have seen it coming. Instead I was allured as it sashayed into the scene, enticing me with a sexy leg behind a slit in the skirt before giving me an absolute kicking with its stiletto shoe. 

With my role recently being made redundant and me being unemployed for the first time in 12 years, I'm going through the current grind of job applications and selling myself, urgh. Added to this, I have also signed up to a physically gruelling charity event in the summer. I competed in it a few years ago and was nowhere near up to scratch despite doing (I thought) a reasonable amount of training. As such I feel a pressure to really ramp up on the training and push myself. And a few other personal things going on but nothing I want to share with the great wide digital world. Needless to say, life could be terminally-ill-4-weeks-to-live worse...but it could be better

So welcome back insomnia, it's been a while. Oh, and the tears. The mild depression. The unprovoked (sometimes provoked) rage and annoyance. Yippee. Although this time at least I don't have to do a +1 hour drive to work after a night of no sleep *straight face*.

While I battle through another fun mental health beating, there are some thoughts I'd like to share which might not totally be in line with the fuzzy stuff you read online like meditating (which wasn't serving me at all), practising gratitude (just makes me more mad) and working through what's causing you pain (I know it's mainly going to be all sh*t until I get a job and then I'll whinge once I'm working because that's how it goes).

Cheat and then figure it out afterwards.
I have a mainly hate relationship with a particular hill at Richmond Park in London. It's actually a nice climb for proper cyclists but not for a fair weather one like me who has huffed up that hill only to wobble off about 2 thirds in.

However, the other day when I was up there, I was quite frankly sick of trying to get up this hill and being unsuccessful. One of the reasons is I'm fairly new into the training and I know I'll get up that hill in 2 months time but when every little failure seems like the worst failure, I needed a shortcut. 

And I deserve it. My hybrid bike weighs the same as a baby elephant vs its feather light road bike cousins. My bike also has 16 gears, that can be shifted down to the lower gears using my left handle but I never use this left gear shift thingy. As such, I'm tackling this hill with a heavy bike on essentially gear 8 when I could get it down to 1.

So I "cheated" and used the left gear shift thingy and got up that effing hill. And the elation of being up the top was just *cry with joy emoji*. And I went around again and the next time I didn't storm right down to the low gears but saved it til when it's needed. The annoyance of kicking this hill in the proverbial arse definitely gave added impetus to get up it. Rage is good like that.

Ultimately I will get up that hill on the tough gear and not shifting it down but for now the work backwards from easy is what I need. I needed a victory first, even if it's aided, to give me the motivation to not crumble into a pool of tears which - quite frankly - is a viable option most days. You need a taste of the good life to believe there is a good life because when you're in a pit and can't see anything but darkness, you'll fail to believe it.           

B*tch...on paper
Having someone to talk to is great for lots of reasons but when you have irrational and unnecessary rage and you know you're being irrational and having unnecessary rage against someone, unfortunately people don't say the right things. Well actually they do but you're just not in the mood for their pragmatism. Go away with your sensible suggestions.

I have always been pro journaling for mental health but I never used journalling for bitching, it's normally to talk about my feelings and emotions following a situation but right now, it is full on b*tch mode. The kind of bitching people wouldn't even know I had in me.

The thing is, I'm not saying it to their face which would, no doubt, cause a great deal of anguish. And it's unnecessary. I know my tornado of a storm should just be contained in a teacup and it (my rage) will be over before it began. So this bullsh*t about being honest and telling someone how you feel doesn't work. Not when you know you won't feel like that in 1 days' time. I know at the time it feels good to be a vile person and then afterwards I'll have the sense to reflect and realise I was being a vile person and wipe those thoughts from my mind. Or at the very least it helps me get down to the nub of what the actual issue is which half the time you need the benefit of time to figure out.

Don't be helpful
I have always had a bit of issue with control. I like to be the one who organises things / people etc and I can at times take on more than I should. And people think that too because I'm unemployed (if I was paid to be my parents PA, I'd make a bloody good living).

There is an argument that helping other people helps give you a sense of perspective about your own life but to be honest, it's just annoying me so I'm dipping out, doing only what absolutely needs to be done but learning to care less and not get involved. Martyrs aren't disguised as organisers.

What do you think to these suggestions?  Do you have any to share?

Comments