Why I think you should always show off

This is a photo of me. For clarification "me" being the person with the black hair, dress and mask talking to someone who looks like he's stumbled out of Agrabah. Note the body language: lean back any further and I'd be in my friend's lap. Whilst there's interest on my part I'm certainly not looking like I'm ready to jump in his lap anytime soon.

So why the weird body posture and does my hand look like a beak? I can't explain the hand beak but I can explain that he was a paid performer at a masked ball I went to with my friends in the summer. And anything that's "immersive" means people other than your friends will talk to you. So Agrabah street urchin, amongst other floaty dancing characters, were working their way around the room, recruiting people from the audience to get involved as characters in this loosely based swan lake story line. This photo was taken of me being questioned to see if I could potentially be offered up to the prince as a wife. We knew it would have required getting up on the stage and dancing with the prince. I gave my best deer in headlights look and it was probably enough for him to realise that it would be for poor viewing if I was dragged up. 

We don't know why he came to me out of my friends. It might be because I was sitting near the stage but when we first arrived, my friend's plate had a "x" on it which might have been a coincidence but she decided she'd take no chances of being picked on and swapped her plate with mine because I am known for being the show off and it would be fine if I was picked. 

But.

When I had the plate, I was bordering on terrified of being picked on. I felt self-conscious at the thought of dancing on a stage in front of people I didn't know.

And then the other weekend, my friend and I were in a bar playing salsa music. A song played. I liked it. My friend liked it. She wants to dance. I want to dance. The dance floor is pretty much empty but there are people around. I'm not moving anytime soon to get on the dance floor. Then the brave friend decides we will get up and dance and just like that us 2 are dancing. I love dancing; it's one of the things in life that brings me joy but at that moment I'm feeling incredibly self-conscious and wishing I had 3 more mojitos to loosen up.

For many people reading this, they probably identify with the above scenarios. We're British for one thing, we don't do anything to draw too much attention to ourselves. And also who willingly wants to dance with a guy with a feathered mask in front of loads of other people? My friend didn't swap plates to be mean, she just knew she would never get on stage and based on what she knows of me, she thought I would love it or at least be fine with it and go along with it. Because I am normally the show off. Or was. 

I have written quite a few posts around similar themes; losing your confidence and doing something out of your comfort zone one ukulele at a time and this time, it's about feeling self-conscious. Conscious that the dance floor was empty. Conscious that I would have to dance (maybe) with some guy in a dress that might not be suitable. Confidence is separate from this. Kind of. I mean, as part of my job I do presentations. Last week, I presented to a boardroom full of people and it's fine, in fact I really enjoyed it. I am not someone who is comfortable hiding but I am having some sort of self-conscious crisis.  

When you aren't self-conscious, you give zero fucks and you get on with it. You allow very short thought processing. You allow feelings like joy to take over your thoughts. I don't really see any merit in being self-conscious. It's limiting.

When you notice the self too much, you are feeding the ego. You're feeding your thoughts and not the feelings. Feeding your thoughts kills your feelings and then you become a boring, robotic person who overthinks everything and is conscious of everything.

It's all linked in to letting go. I know I need to let go. Of control. Of opinions. And limit my over-thinking and worrying. I need to channel that feeling when I've had a few drinks and feeling mellow and happy about everything...and I need to show off more because that's the highest form of losing the feeling of self-consciousness. 

Do you feel self-conscious about things?